The End of the World

(London, England) Put the government in the health business and this is what happens -- parents get officially warned about their fat kids.

Health Secretary Alan Johnson said last week that obesity in Britain could lead to a "potential crisis on the scale of climate change."

Presumably, parents who ignore the warnings will be fined or have their pictures posted on a national obesity registry or something. Since the government is involved, continued infractions of the fat standards may lead to parents losing custody of their children to state-run behavior and nutrition camps.

Nonetheless, it seems odd that British obesity is being linked to climate change. The only thing I can figure is that the fat kids in Britain will cause a gravitional anomaly which affects weather patterns and changes the climate. Maybe the Earth's rotation would adopt a wobble. In any event, it's logical to speculate that now we'll see television commercials admonishing fat kids to quit eating or the polar ice caps will melt.

And, of course, as soon as the British Obesity Registry is published, individuals listed will be subjected to public ridicule and discrimination by business and government. But discrimination isn't an important issue when obesity rivals climate change.

From a personal perspective, it would be nice if all the end-of-the-world alarms came with some guidance on how to react. I was planning on moving to northern Canada to avoid the ash and dust soon to be blasted into the atmosphere by the Yellowstone Super Volcano. Prevailing winds will carry the volcanic effluent right to my Ohio doorstep. But the global warming alarm sounded and I figured I needed a boat even if I went to northern Canada. Glaciers and ice caps are melting and everything will soon be flooded.

Even so, I can't forget that the pandemic bird flu is coming so I have to consider that there likely won't be any prompt medical care in northern Canada. Therefore, I figured that I have to stockpile adequate medical supplies to fight the bird flu and also for the new bacteria set to wipe out mankind, Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus Aureus (MRSA). It seems I'll need a large supply of disease-fighting drugs.

Finalizing my plans has been complicated by the fact that there's a monster tsunami set to totally destroy the eastern seaboard of the U.S. The island of La Palma in the Canary Islands off of Africa is predicted to split in two and create a mega-tsunami with waves up to 300 feet high. This tells me that I must stockpile foodstuffs. Three-hundred foot waves will wipe out New York, Boston, New Orleans, Houston and other centers for production and distribution of food.

I've additionally revised my plans after learning that a few dinosaur-killer chunks of space debris are predicted to possibly impact the Earth in the next decades. Now, with space chunks sized at a few football fields and traveling at tens of thousands of miles per hour, my thinking is that I need a cave to survive. Along with the global warming and the mega-tsunami, I need a cave fairly high up on a mountain.

Consequently, I'm looking for just such a cave and it must be big enough for my boat and tons of stores. I'm thinking that canned goods along with pallets of sacked wheat and corn should last a few years. I might have a problem getting enough corn since it's now being used for fuel instead of food. Prices are high.

As an aside, more than one grandpappy was put in jail for making fuel out of corn. They were called moonshiners in the past but, really, they were pioneers in alternative fuel technology. Somebody should sue.

All in all, however, the scarcity of corn may have its positive side -- an abundance of drinking alcohol.

In summary, if your kid is chunky in the UK, expect a warning letter from Big Brother. Don't expect any of the end-of-the-world alarmists to provide guidance on what to do first or what's the most scary. Everyone is competing in the annihilation business.

Lastly, suckers, when all is said and destroyed. After the globe has warmed, tsunamis have waved, super volcanoes have kaboomed, diseases have decimated, world water has dried up, ocean fish stocks have depleted, all the oil is gone, all the corn has been turned into liquor and the predicted Katy-bar-the-dinosaur asteroid has hit Earth, I can be reached at Big Cave, High Mountain, Far North, Canada. I'll leave a light on.