110 Volt Lobsters

There are those who lose sleep over the death of lobsters, presumably awakened from nightmares depicting the imagined screams of crustaceans being plunged into boiling water before being served with drawn butter.

If that statement describes you, be advised that help is on the way. Now the lobsters can be electrocuted before being boiled.

The good news for lovers of lobster is that a lawyer has invented a device that will dispatch the shellfish kindly and in a way that makes it taste better. Simon Buckhaven is the barrister inventor, inspired by an idea planted by his wife Charlotte, also a barrister. Both loved lobster but hated the idea of boiling crustaceans alive.

The Buckhaven's "Crustastun" is an RSPCA-approved machine that uses an electric current to humanely stun crustaceans, including lobsters, crabs and langoustines. The machine not only kills them kindly but, because it does not unduly traumatise the creatures, delivers tender, sweeter meat.

It's believed that 110 volts of electricity for five seconds will humanely kill the lobster and because of "mumbo jumbo, blah, blah" the lobster will have a sweeter taste and texture. All the while, guilt regarding the welfare of the lobster will reportedly be assuaged.

The assertion that an electrocuted lobster tastes better than a boiled lobster is unconvincing. And it's not because the guy selling the lobster-zapper is saying it. It's because personal tastes are like noses, everybody has one which grows and changes over time, therefore, preferences in taste are arguably impossible to categorize.

The lobster-zapping machine is being sold by the Brakesgroup catering equipment company. Prices start at £2,000. I find this amazing since I know that I could create a scaled-down version of a cattle prod for much less than £2,000 ($2,867.38 at today's exchange rate). Think about it. Two pieces of metal attached to insulated handles with wires that plug into an outlet. What? Maybe five bucks?

Nevertheless, there's a reason to be troubled by this invention. If the lawyer inventor of the machine, Mr. Buckhaven, can convince a few of his lawyer buddies in parliament to pass a law that all restaurants must electrocute their lobsters before boiling, then the price of lobster goes up. I would contend that lobsters are already priced too high.

I have no problem with Mr. Buckhaven's efforts in the least. I don't care if he gives lobsters last meals of their favorite foods and allows them last rites by robed theologians before shoving them into old sparky. But if the government starts making mandates, then the marketplace is adulterated for what I would contend is no good reason. Imagining feelings in lobsters is silly. Hey, if it tastes good, fills the stomach, makes a loaf and keeps you alive, why not just assume that, at some point, the lobster was thinking "Ouch!" and move on with your life.

Incidentally, the practice of executing condemned criminals by electrocution has become a thing of the past in the U.S. due to spritzen-sparken, eyes-popping-out, smell of burnt flesh problems and the incessant accusations from the anti-death penalty/pro-abortion crowd that electrocution is inhumane and cruel. However, now it's okay to zap lobsters because it's humane and kindly.

By the way, I mention anti-death penalty and pro-abortion together because, without exception, every anti-death penalty person I've ever met was also pro-abortion. I apologize for the gross generalization.