Teens Accused of Unpatriotic Masturbation

(Baku, Azerbaijan) Given centuries of ethnic rivalry between Azerbaijan and Armenia, it follows that the authorities were outraged when young Azerbaijani men were caught masturbating to a photo of half-Armenian Kim Kardashian.

By law, it's reportedly an act of "betrayal of motherland, territorial integrity and Azerbaijani ladies."

On Monday Azerbaijan’s secret services busted two students from Baku State Engineering University after Heidar Aliev, catching them red-handed – indulging in anti-Azerbaijani erotica.

Lobzik Byul-Byul (18 years old) and Heidar Azikyv (19 years old) are expected to face charges of high-treason for “succumbing to occupant pornography”.

Friends and family of the traitors have harshly condemned Lobzik and his peer.

Lobzik’s uncle told the reporters on Tuesday: “He deserves the most severe punishment… all these years we thought we are raising a patriotic young Azeri boy only to be eventually disappointed by this pro-Armenian manifesto. Just to think – I taught him his first anti-Armenian jokes, I can’t believe he could betray us so filthily.”

According to Azerbaijani Education Minister Tophique Mahmedov, the youth are unaware of Azerbaijan's hot women.

“We need to promote our local potential in magazines and manuals, so the new generation does not get carried away with politically incorrect breast of Kardashian or other separatist pornography”.

A list of Azerbaijan’s actresses and singers has been proposed as a patriotic alternative to viewing anti-Azerbaijani erotic fantasies. One Azerbaijani singer, Safura Alizadeh, a finalist in the 2010 Eurovision Contest, is currently planning a sexy video.



Safura Alizadeh
Safura reportedly was offended by the Azerbaijani youth masturbation incident, evidently believing that Azerbaijani women are being overlooked.

To minimize future unpatriotic masturbation incidents, law enforcers and security agents are taking measures to remove all images of Kim Kardashian from newsstands along with the hard disks of young men in the Republic of Azerbaijan.