Swiss Cheese Pervert

(Philadelphia, Pennsylvania)

The Mayfair Town Watch reported yesterday on its Facebook page that the "Swiss Cheese Pervert" has been terrorizing neighborhood women.

According to the group, the suspect, a heavyset white man estimated to be in his late 40s or early 50s, approaches women while driving a silver or black sedan with his genitals exposed. He then displays a piece of sliced Swiss cheese and offers to pay the women to put the cheese on his penis and perform sexual acts on him using it.

Reportedly, the Swiss Cheese Pervert, still at large, described his fetish on a dating website, stating he is seeking someone to perform masturbation on him with cheese. To wit:

"I started to compare girls to cheese due to their milky complections [sic], girls are soft, smooth feeling and tend to like dairy products more," he wrote.

"That and typical advertising, always using a girl to advertise dairy products. So cheese is what I started to use as a replacement for having sex with girls."

I strongly disagree.