Bust Out at Topless Doughnut Shop

(Vassalboro, Maine) The local topless doughnut shop is an apparent nascent nest of crime. State Troopers have responded.

A state trooper was sent Saturday morning to a topless doughnut shop on Route 3 after a caller to the Augusta communications center reported that one of the waitresses was outside the shop without a top on.

"I went there and spoke to the owner and the female that was probably involved and I advised them it was going to be turned over to the district attorney for possible review," Trooper Shawn Porter of Troop D Barracks in Gray said later in the day. "Nobody was charged; it's going to be reviewed by the DA's office."

The DA's office will be conducting a line-up of the topless waitresses' boobage for witness identification. The announcement of the line-up has caused a flood of new complainants eager to provide witness testimony.

Not really, I made that last part up.