Be Very Afraid

Damn!

Just as I was finishing up my comprehensive plan to survive global warming, the pandemic bird flu, gargantuan fires and storms, the inevitable mega-tsunami and the overdue super volcano eruption, along with the mathematically-predicted asteroid impact and desertification and toxic contamination of the environment -- not to mention the menace of obesity and lead and trans fats and smoking, I now find that there's an impending global food crisis.

I need a fear keeper, someone who can dedicate several hours daily tracking and communicating all the things that are supposed to scare the pants off me. Inquire within.